Before I publish this post, I think it’s only fair to post a ‘cranky’ warning:
You’ve been warned.
My mother has gone home.
My husband has gone back to work.
Tomorrow – I will be alone with the babies.
On the one hand, I am really looking forward to getting on with the next few years of my life: raising two little girls to be less like animals and more like people with which I want to share the world. On the other hand, it’s been really, REALLY nice having Mom and Tony at home with me. Mom has been really great about helping with everything from changing diapers to laundry to baby holding. And I never get tired of Tony’s company. Tomorrow, I’m going to be kind of lonely with out them here every hour.
I have nothing I need to get done tomorrow, if you don’t count cleaning the house and making several pies. But I’m so tired at the moment that the idea of making pumpkin pie (plop, stir, bake, eat) sounds as challenging as hiking to Kathmandu. My back hurts. My head hurts. I’ve been wresting Eleanor, so my incision hurts. And I feel mean. That I hate the most. I don’t want to be snappish, not with the girls tomorrow, or my friends at Thanksgiving the day after that. I feel like having a good cry, a hot shower and
12 15 26 hours of sleep peppered with the occasional Mojito and chocolate pie. Maybe some turkey.
Driving home from my parents’ place tonight, I thought hard about what normal needs to be from here. I can’t hardly tell what I THINK normal will look like. When I had my first baby, a very good friend told me, “You have great skin. Don’t f— it up. Sleep when the kid sleeps.” And that was really good advice. I felt pretty good napping the occasional day away with Eleanor. But I don’t think I can reasonably do that now, which is a shame, because Saralyn is such a great, multi-hour sleeper. My poor, poor skin…
Eleanor, who I used to think of as the happiest soul I ever knew, now displays behavior that would make a constipated camel seem agreeable. She’s… golly…I can hardly describe it. Um… start with a big old pile of stubborn, and add weepy. She cries now when you give her EXACTLY what she asks for. At any hint of reprimand, she flings herself bodily toward the floor, and usually hit her head. One would think this would be a negative reinforcement in itself. She WILL not learn about not throwing food, or kicking and hitting people, or ‘No touch!’ She knows what will happen if she tosses her Cheerios (she looses her snack, first off, and either gets a time out or her hand slapped). You can see her weigh her choice against the consequences, but then she does it anyway, and then comes the fireworks. I’ve tried being the strong arm. I’ve tried ignoring it. I’ve tried spanking, pleading, time out. Nothing. Changes. Her. Behavior. I am at wits end.
Perhaps now that Saralyn has come along, I will need to let more things slide. I try to be on time to everything. I LIVE by a schedule for Eleanor. I still want to accomplish so many things in a day, as I have done with Eleanor in the past. Swimming? How can I take two of them? Library, Park? That may be more doable in the near future. Laundry? Weekends, I guess. My house…? I want to keep on top of the chores at my house, like feeding my family good, quality food and keeping the toy debris picked up, but I don’t want to park any kid in front of the TV so I can get to the kitchen. And I WANT A NAP!!! I’m overwhelmed and don’t know where to start.
Normal is this giant elephant on my dinner plate right now. I have a feeling that I’m just going to have to start with one bite at a time. Perhaps my first snack needs to be a hot shower right now. Does Dove make a body wash that scrubs off anxiety?